Monday, January 9, 2012

'Fessing Up

I have a confession to make: For the last few months, I have been unhappy.

I don't mean the live-on-the-couch-eating-ice-cream-watching-sappy-movies way, but the way that sticks with you day in and day out. No, I haven't spent every second of the last few months crying or pouting or moping. The company of friends and family provides temporary relief but at the end of the day (every. single. day.) I feel listless and detached from the life I have outside of my home. I've had trouble sleeping through the night, waking up for hours in the middle of the night unable to shut my mind down enough to sleep. I haven't wanted to read books or write. Just last week my husband wanted to take me somewhere, anywhere I wanted, and my response was "nah."
That's when he knew something was wrong.

When Johnathan was diagnosed with cancer (not an excuse), I think it became a watershed moment for me. I've struggled with a lot of different things over the years but his illness put me over the edge. For the first time I went to my doctor and asked for help. I admitted that I wasn't strong enough to manage everything I was feeling on my own. He diagnosed me with Clinical Depression. He recommended some counselors and prescribed an antidepressant. I had made the decision in my mind to take the medication until Johnathan's prognosis improved.

He got better.

I didn't.

I still couldn't cope, but in my head I couldn't justify continuing medication for what I thought was something directly related to my husband's health, which had improved. So I stopped taking the medication. And then my job became very stressful and unpredictable, so I went back to the medication. Then my principal left. I thought: finally, I can live again.

But I can't.
I still can't cope. And I need help.

So I'm going back to my doctor because to be honest, depression has caused me physical pain for the last 3 months or so. I have also looked into more natural treatments and came across a plan to remove gluten (wheat) from one's diet. Many of the symptoms of gluten intolerance manifest as symptoms I already experience. Depression is one of them. Headaches, eczema, asthma symptoms, and other issues can also arise from the body's reaction to gluten.

Having that said, I'm slowly transitioning to a gluten-free diet. I have talked to some people and read a LOT of blogs about this kind of lifestyle. What I know is this: I want to feel better, plain and simple. If removing gluten from my diet can ease my physical symptoms, I hope that combining this with some medicinal support could really bring some improvement to my health.

This post is about me. This life is mine and it's the only one I get. I have to live it fully, and I cannot do that by preferring to sit at home and feeling low. I need to read, and write, and laugh and love.

I need to live.

This blog isn't necessarily making a transition to all about gluten-free living, but it will shift as my life shifts, which is what this blog was created for in the first place.

Living the dream.
Living my dream. Everyday.

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