Monday, April 4, 2011

From My Journal

Monday, April 4, 2011

This morning I need to write. I need to feel my way through some things and figure out a way to cope. Most of this pain is not mine; in fact, none of it is. And yet I'm feeling it. I'm finding myself questioning so much of what I believe. I don't even know how to begin to tackle these things that are affecting the people I love, but I want so desperately to help them heal.

My best friend from college, Erin, who has loved me through my own struggles, lost a baby this week. When I spoke to her last night I felt shock, and today I grieve for her and her loss. I wanted to find the right words but all I could come up with was "I'm so sorry" and it doesn't feel like enough. I talked to my mom about it and she says, "it's not you; it's just life."

But why?
The age old question rears its ugly head: why do bad things happen to good people?

I actually took a course on this at UNC when I was completing my religious studies minor. The word we use in that field of study is theodicy, which sounds like The Odyssey, and the two have a lot in common. Theodicy seeks to understand how a God who is believed to be benevolent, omnipotent and omnipresent can allow the existence of evil in the world.

When I took the course in college, my faith was being shaped by my involvement with a campus organization and my growing relationship with Johnathan. I was becoming the woman I am today, and it was both an incredibly trying and beautiful time. But I can't shake the feeling that I explored the concept of theodicy for other reasons. I wanted to understand this question and somehow formulate a right answer. I want to move forward with my life knowing there is an explanation when life takes a turn for the worse.

The hard truth, however, is this: there isn't a right answer for why people suffer. In fact, there isn't an answer at all. I hate to say it but maybe it really is just life. I haven't found much comfort in the cold fact that life happens in unfortunate ways to both me and the people I love. Where I do find solace is in the embrace of my husband, the smile of my mother and the laughter of my closest friends. They center me; they help me find my way back when I've closed myself off.

I do not know where any of us go from here. We each must continue to wrestle with our own perspectives on theodicy. We each have to seek our own truth, find our own way, and know that love will always lead us home.


Matt said...

Thank you for this. You and John are great friends and I have no idea what we would do without you.

Mrs. R said...

We love you guys! Thank you...your words mean so much.


Rici said...

I'm so sorry. It's not an easy thing to deal with. Lots of love and hugs will at least help coat some of the pain they will feel for a while. The pain will eventually get small enough to put in a "box" and place it on a shelf. Moving on can and will happen. Just make sure to help her not withdrawl. It's easy to do in instances like this.

Adrian said...

Oh, Lindsey. I've struggled with "Why?" for so long, and you're right--there's not really an answer to that question, at least not one I can find in this life. My heart absolutely breaks for your friend.