Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Mending Fences or Moving Forward?

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

See, I've had my fair share of drama recently. For the most part, I've either a) blown it off or b) used it as motivation to do good things. I've also been running a fundraiser at school, still working on classes, AND holding down my actual job :)

I digress. Anyway, I consider myself pretty honest and a "straight shooter" if you will. Basically, if I don't like something, I'll tell you. Sometimes it's not pretty, but necessary. I attribute most of that to some past experiences that have brought me to the place where the price of silence is too high to pay, and sometimes we get hurt no matter what, but I at least want to know that I spoke my mind first.

Generally, this is not a problem for me [hello, I have a blog!] but in the situation where the dilemma arises it is tricky. I have been contacted by someone from my past, someone who I very much loved and would have given anything for at the time [no, it was NOT an old boyfriend or flame]. I've turned the contact over and over in my head countless times, trying to figure out how to proceed. I've talked it out with my closest friends, I've spent innumerable hours thinking and writing about it. Usually, this exhausts my options and I have a solution. Something comes to me, usually when I'm writing, that says this is it. Say this. Feel this.

But not this time.

I know the person from my past reads this blog, so what I'm trying to say is that I'm still thinking, I'm still weighing all of this. I need more time. There is so much to say and I don't know if I want to say it all or say nothing. What I know is that I want to respond in the right way, and it may take me a little longer to decide what to do next.

I want to respect the authenticity and sincerity of what I received, and above all else the privacy. So this will be the last of the situation that I will post aside from documenting that I will compose and mail a handwritten letter in reply.

I think I need resolution. I need the closure (or the potential rekindling) that this situation stands to offer. And for once, I think taking my time will show me the best way; for once, I don't want to just go with my gut. There is something to be said for the timing of all this, too. To me it marks a time in my life where there is so much change going on around me that I'm already in a reflective state. What better time to finally either mend the fence or move forward?

Or maybe both.

2 comments:

Makia said...

I suppose the question that I would ask myself is this...knowing how close the two of you were (and no I don't know who you speak of and from your words can only guess and observe how torn you are) I would say you very much loved said person at one time. She was a huge part of your life. So my question would be this...If she were to die today would you be wishing for the chance to mend the fence? I have lost enough recently that I have learned that some broken friendships we have are simply worth mending. Things will likely never be the same but if the two of you were once unseperable (again I don't know) then I say mend away. I can only imagine the hurt that occured but if she has reached out I would have to say at least extend your hand even if you aren't ready to extend your heart.

Lindsey Lea said...

That is actually a very lovely way of putting it. I mailed my response today, and I guess we'll see what happens :)